When your biggest fear is being afraid

Anxiety is an interesting beast.

Everyone who experiences it has a slightly unique experience, a certain fingerprint that sets them apart. And yet, there are commonalities that bring us anxious people together, that create some level of shared experience.

One I learned about recently is something called anxiety sensitivity. This can be boiled down to fear of fear itself.

What does anxiety sensitivity look like?

People will ask:

“What makes you anxious?”

or even a healthcare provider:

“What caused your latest string of panic attacks?”

They assume I can easily answer this. More often than not, I can’t point to anything other than saying stress tends to make it worse.

Instead of having a clear idea of what I’m afraid of or anxious about (ex: an upcoming presentation at work), my anxiety feels amorphous. It often feels like something that just comes on randomly.

For me, and for a lot of others, anxiety is a highly physical experience. I can feel it starting in my body like a tide starting to come up the shore. And when I’m really “in it,” it feels stuck there, like something I have to try hard to dig out.

The physical and mental sensations that come with anxiety and panic attacks suck, to put it lightly. They are incredibly uncomfortable and make you feel like there is something seriously wrong with your body and mind, even if it’s the hundredth or thousandth time you’ve experienced it. You know better, yet you can’t try to rationalize and logic your way out of it with an anxious brain.

With anxiety sensitivity, it’s the fear of the experience of anxiety itself. For me, it boils down to terror of being back in my darkest place. Feeling like there is no hope of ever getting back to “normal.” Forgetting who I am.

My mind has come to equate the quickening heart, tight chest, stomach nausea, tingly toes, and all the other physical manifestations of anxiety as precursors to this. In my mind, it’s a sure thing I’ll be there. It makes sense to be afraid. Who wants to be stuck in their darkest place?

The concept of having anxiety about the sensations associated with experiencing anxiety is wild to me. You mean I don’t have to be afraid of anything real or tangible?

It’s unique to the experience of anxiety and often what creates the “disorder” piece. You start doing anything to avoid the darkness and pretty soon you can’t feel the light either. You stop leaving your house so you don’t have to feel the heart beat quickening that kicks it all off. It’s easy to avoid living to avoid feeling the fear.

What helps?

So what do you do if you’re afraid of the experience of anxiety itself? It’s such a core, primal thing. Is there anything that helps?

As someone who has been there and deals with anxiety sensitivity and panic attacks, this is what I’d think about:

• Tell yourself that what you are feeling in your body is okay. Say it out loud if you need to. Repeat it a thousand time until you believe it. What you are feeling is normal and does not mean you are having a panic attack. Actually say it (in your head or out loud if that makes sense). And even if you have a panic attack, you will survive. You will get through.
• Run toward it. I’ve learned over my 15 years of having panic disorder that a lot of this is increasing my ability to feel uncomfortable. I spent more time than not avoiding my anxiety and doing everything I could to not feel it. Avoiding anxiety only makes it worse. Fear is not something that just goes away. Now, I try to acknowledge I am feeling anxious and let it be there. I intentionally do things that I know will increase the chance I’m going to feel anxious.
• Speak to your inner child. I remember being a young child and feeling afraid for no real reason. My experience of anxiety often brings me back to this. Being afraid for no reason feels very childlike. It’s like I’m instantly back to that scared kid. Now, I try to connect with this younger version of myself when I’m feeling anxious. I tell her I’m there for her and that it’s okay to feel afraid. We don’t become a new person when we “grow up.” Our younger self is still in there.
• Give yourself grace, always. Self-compassion is a skill. Try not to belittle yourself or minimize that you are feeling the fear of fear. Even if there is not something clear you can point to, it’s still a feeling. It’s not a personal shortcoming to feel anxious. Trying to invalidate whatever you are feeling will not help (trust me!).

Overall, living with anxiety and panic disorder is not searching for a life without it. That’s the frustrating thing about anxiety. If you’re looking for a cure to being fearful of fear, you’ll easily get stuck.

I’ve been there more times than I’d like to admit. Desperately searching for any gadget or gimmick that may make me feel better in my body and mind.

As much as we hate it sometimes, life is about experiencing the full range of human emotions, including fear. We can’t run away from that. We have to embrace it.